Anxiety

I say
do you want to come over and watch
Casablanca and watch Black Snake Moan
while the side of my breast presses into your arm
and he says
nothing
because I ask that in the darkness of the bed
it takes me forty-four minutes to get me
to open and close an app on my phone
before I tap on his name
it takes me forty-four seconds to decide
that no one would like to spend their time with me
I cry
put on Springsteen and light a fag
in the next hours I do it three more times
I put on Zep
I cry
I crawl my fingers across my stomach
wishing I could do it on the inside
to scrape the need for love from the walls of my body.
When I’ve gone for long enough
I find my other ones and in the darkness of my bed
I hold my own hand because it makes it feel lonelier.
When I go to sleep I rock myself like a child
that has been given cocaine
and is crashing from it
with a runny nose and the chills
The Doors next to my head
my face damp and my hair cold
I put on Chris Rea
I cry
they say being alone is different than being lonely
and I say
nothing because when there is darkness everywhere
it doesn’t matter
whether your bed is empty or your soul is dying
it means that you might not wake up in the morning
and what a great gift that is
I say
do you want to come over and watch
my eyes opening in the morning only after I’ve kissed you
and he says
nothing
because I turn around
and the only other thing in my room
is my demons
and the plants that are dying
along with my dreams
I say
do you want to come over and watch
my heart swelling up when you smile
and he says
nothing
because I never tap on call
it takes me forty-four minutes to stop crying
I put on Dylan
I cry.